For most of my life I have avoided my problems. These are phrases I frequently said to myself, “there’s nothing wrong” and “everything is fine”. I always said, “I’ve had a good childhood”, until I realized otherwise. I’m not saying it was a “bad” childhood, but just that I hid a lot of stuff from myself. Likely for many reasons, one of them being protection.
I have been a people pleaser all my life because in my mind that limits conflict, “problems” and then of course things go smoothly. Right??
I rarely spoke up as I figured that was easier. Maybe I thought that’s what I’m supposed to do.
Yet interestingly the various approaches I have learnt over the past few years to help my clients has helped me first. I have opened up a can of worms. I call this can the “can of awareness”.
And even though some may think worms are not very nice – I am very glad that my can of worms opened up and exposed all my issues to me. One may also relate to the phrase sometimes used in spiritual or personal growth, “peeling away layers of the onion”. My onion has been peeling layers and there have been plenty of tears!
The past couple of years I have opened myself up to my “problems” which mainly have been pent up emotional issues. Emotions that I never expressed as a child, teenager and as an adult.
Interestingly facing one of the most difficult issues this year around childhood trauma has been the one that is allowing me to grow the most as a woman.
Through this problem I realized how so many of my issues had arisen in childhood – issues with low self-esteem, self-doubt, lack of self-love let alone love for others, inability to embrace my femininity, fear of speaking up, anger, inability to forgive, lack of compassion and so forth.
Yet as I have become aware of the above feelings (or lack there of) I have found the answers to heal myself. In some ways, awareness of these feelings is enabling me to see the “opposites”. For instance, feeling sadness has made me be aware of joy, feeling anger has made me re-find compassion. On the journey, I feel am returning to self-love, embracing my womanhood, feeling confident, making connections with like-minded people, speaking up, forgiving others and feeling compassion.
Ironically, embracing my emotional issues is allowing me to heal them and to return to who I truly am. My problems have held the answers, yet I resisted my issues for most of my life!
It has been a fascinating year. I am curious to see what 2016 brings.
This post is in gratitude to the many people who have supported me along in this journey. To the many approaches and techniques I have been guided to learn to not only help myself but others also.